Welcome to Six-Sentence Sunday!
I’ll highlight another excerpt from my upcoming horror novella, SOMETHING BLACK…
This week, we catch up with an ex-soldier named Rafe after he wakes up in a wrecked bus in the middle of a rain-drenched highway, with little knowledge of how he got there. While a fellow survivor (a cop name Bishop) goes off to search for help, Rafe stays with a dying woman to protect her, as both he and Bishop know something stalks them from the graveyard of cars surrounding the bus. Eventually, after Rafe is forced out of the bus on his own, he finds out what’s been hunting them…
He looked back the way he came, and he saw it…saw them.
Massive lupine shapes, the size of lions, or bigger. They amassed on the overpass, and moved towards the bus.
There were several of the creatures, but it was difficult to see them through the pounding rain and due to their unstable forms. They seemed to be little more than dark silhouettes, without true definition or detail.
Their eyes opened, two pairs, then five, then six, icy white blades trained on his position.
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Oh, boy. Terrifying six!
Thank you, Wendy!
Rain…darkness…eyeballs. Creepy! Great six, with lots of bone-chilling visuals.
Thanks, Joya, I appreciate it!
That’s the stuff that great nightmares are made of.
Spine-tingling six.
Thanks Daniela! =D
Excellent mood-setting, Steve. If I could make one suggestion? Here: “…through the pounding rain and due to their unstable forms.” The “due to their unstable forms” stops a really nice flow (at least it did for me).
I might try this: “There were several of the creatures, but it was difficult to see them through the pounding rain. And due to their unstable forms, they seemed little more than dark silhouettes, without true definition or detail.”
The end clause is a tiny bit redundant, but still works–I think.
It is a very scary scene, and you’ve painted it quite well.
Thanks for the suggestion, Teresa, I like it! I’ve reworked that bit a few times — I’ll give yours a shot in the final draft! =D
Whoa–not good. And is anybody on that bus?
This scene resembles great narrative painting; it’s the momentary stillness before something goes down. We can anticipate the action, and if we were reading this on a page, well, we would continue to read to find out what happened.
Thank you! The bus was a pretty grisly scene: only three survivors, but no sign of *anyone*, dead or alive, in all the wrecked and abandoned cars on the road. [insert Twilight Zone music here]
This is the deep breath before the scream.
Lovely writing. I particularly like that the eyes are beams of light. It suggests the total focus of the predator.
Thanks, Elin! Yeah, things pretty much go nuts after that.
Those are simply way too many eyeballs.
And luminescent, no less! I’d be screaming! Fabulous tension and detail, as always. 
You can never have too many eyeballs. ;D Thanks, Lady!
Great setup for this. I’m amazed at the responces you have gotten over six lines. Interesting concept. And I really liked and agree with Teresa Cypher’s comments. Great to have an educated critic commenting. I want her to read my work!
Great job, Steve. This will be a very good read!
Thanks a ton, Dannie, I appreciate it! =D
It’s almost midnight and I’m reading this?! Great. Nightmares ahead because those things are damn creepy! (I’m torn between shouting at Rafe to run or to not move, blink, breathe.)
I hope your nightmares weren’t too intense. =D Thanks, Monica! (And for the record, Rafe runs.)